This time last year I made what has probably become the best decision of my life. I decided to stop drinking alcohol for a month, just enough to lose that last 5lbs. I had no intention of giving up alcohol long term but figured it would be good to have a bit of time off and ‘reset’ my drinking.

However after a few weeks I had enough space to really start thinking about, and examining, my drinking habits. And damn it was uncomfortable. Pretty soon I decided to aim for 100 days AF and really started to do some reading and listening. I found some books and podcasts which resonated and finally admitted to myself that whilst I wasn’t an alcoholic I was definitely a problematic ‘grey area’ drinker. I binge drank, often to dangerous levels, more often than not. And whilst I didn’t drink daily, or even weekly, I could never stop at one.

So I needed to moderate right? Good thought but I’d been trying to moderate for years and it wasnt happening. And the learning I did taught me that for many people (I am one of them) moderation is simply impossible. 

I slowly started to realise that drinking alcohol is not something I could ever do to a safe or ‘normal’ level.

This honestly terrified me at first. Could I really never drink again? I loved drinking! (Obviously). I loved that little tipsy feeling at the beginning, the buzz, the feeling of relaxation and all the social aspects involved. Sharing wine over dinner. Nights out at the pub. Cheeky after work drinks. Sundowners on the beach. Mulled wine at Christmas. Margaritas all summer long. Some of my best memories involved alcohol. But as time went on I realised that not only could I get through all the ‘things’ sober – I actually preferred it. At some point I stopped thinking about alcohol as something that was helping me relax, or have fun – it was the thing holding me back. Controlling my behaviour and causing me to lose so much time both from drinking and recovering. Towards the end of the year as I hit the 7 or 8 month point I came to the realisation that

life without alcohol, for me, was freedom

I wasnt losing anything other than anxiety, shame and hangovers. Pretty soon I started saying ‘I dont drink’ rather than ‘I’m taking a break’ and it felt…good. Like this was the right choice for me. And it really, really is.

Now, instead of spending friday evenings celebrating wine o clock, I go to the gym and lift weights. Saturday mornings aren’t spent hungover and full of anxiety, I’m in Pilates class. I go walking with the kids rather than sleep off a hangover. I’ve maintained my 50lb weight loss despite eating any and all chocolate I fancy because I’m walking miles a day, hitting the gym, and not taking in 1000s of empty alcohol calories. And my god the money I was spending! £100 on a new coat? Absolutely not! £100 on cocktails and wine in a fancy London restaurant? Of course!

My ME/CFS was already in remission when I stopped drinking but I’ve definitely seen a dramatic improvement  in how I feel both mentally and physically over the last year. I had no idea how long it was taking me to recover from a weekend of binge drinking. Basically long enough that I was just starting to feel half decent when the next weekend rolled round, when I’d start again.

Probably most importantly, the kids will never again see me drunk, and I will never again be hungover,  grumpy and impatient.  And I can hopefully raise them to have a healthy relationship with alcohol by modelling the right behaviours from now on. I certainly didn’t have that and look at how that turned out 🤣

So yep, I am now exploring the world of alcohol free beers and enjoying every second of sobriety. A year ago the thought of never drinking again terrified me. Now all I feel is freedom, and excitement for the future.

Note: Don’t worry I’m not going to become all evangelical about sobriety! There is still booze in the house for guests (someone has to drink all that craft gin and red wine) and I am still an extroverted extrovert who will talk loudly, laugh louder, sing karaoke and dance at the drop of a hat. I just won’t lose the ability to speak or walk at some point in the evening, or pass out with little to no memories of half the night which seems like a bonus to me 🎉